I Make Cindy Cruciger My Bitch

RT, continued.

After the thrill-o-fest of my LKH/Charlaine panel, but before the vomiting started (more on that later), I terrorized colleague Cindy Cruciger (REVENGE GIFTS.COM).

Cindy, the silly darling, had gotten the idea into her head that I was insane. Dangerously, foamingly insane. Apparently she had the impression that someone who thought up a vampiric secretary who loved shoes and having sex upside down in the deep end of the pool (UNDEAD AND UNWED) was dangerously unhinged. She had seen me from afar at another conference, and my gangling, six foot four soccer mom facade didn't fool her a bit. She knew we would both be at RT at the same time, and began gnawing her knuckles at the thought of meeting me.

Foolishly, she posted this on her blog. Where I, harmlessly Googling "MaryJanice" and "dangerously insane" read it when it popped up.

So when I saw her at an RT workshop, I charged right over to her and her cute friend, Renee. "Cindy, darling!" Air kiss. I pretended not to notice her flinch. "So nice to see you again!" I complimented her on her book cover. I told a self deprecating joke ("Isn't it hilarious how humungously fat my ass is getting?"). I did everything I could to put her at ease, noticing with glee her friend was giving Cindy "you exaggerate everything!" glares.

While Renee got herself a cup of water, I leaned over and hissed in Cindy's ear, "If you come near me EVER AGAIN I will stab you in the throat with a shrimp fork." Renee got back just in time to see all the blood fall out of Cindy's face. I pooh-poohed her concern for her friend, saying, "Oh, Renee, honey, don't you want to sit down? We've got to take care of that baby, you know." I filled her hands with free bookmarks and, while she settled herself, turned to Cindy and murmured, "I can kill you with a rifle from two hundred yards."

While Cindy tried to sidle away without making it seem she was abandoning her pregnant, helpless friend, I said, "Renee, DARLING, you simply must come to my little soiree in my suite. We'll be giving books away, and t-shirts, and all kinds of things and I'll be simply distraught if you don't come. Please do come, darling!" While Renee shot Cindy a trimphant "told you she wasn't crazy!" look and wrote down my suite number, I leaned over to Cindy and whispered, "I will drip poison into everything you drink in my room, after which I will slam all your fingers in my bathroom door." Then, louder: "Tah, girls!"

It was a grand party, though for some reason Cindy couldn't seem to relax and enjoy herself. I have no idea why. Renee sure seemed to have fun.